


Unexpected

by theoofoof



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoofoof/pseuds/theoofoof
Summary: The sound of knocking on the apartment door cut Olivia off. She frowned, looking at Noah over the top of her glasses. “Did you invite someone over?”Noah giggled at the game they played every time there was an unexpected knock at the door. “No. You did.”“No, I didn’t.”Noah's bedtime story is interrupted by a surprise visitor...
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 9
Kudos: 127





	Unexpected

_ Saturday, December 8, 2018 _

Olivia Benson sat perched on the edge of her son’s bed, reading his bedtime story.

_“If the S in moose comes loose and the E breaks free… what’s left?”_

_“Moo!”_

“That’s right!” she praised. Whether it was memory or early reading skills that led Noah to the answer, Olivia didn’t know, but he was enjoying the book and she wanted to encourage his participation. “ _A gloomy moo from cow, who doesn’t know what to do, all alone without her moose whose E broke free and S came loose.”_

 _“But cow has an idea,”_ interjected Noah, remembering the words from the last twenty-odd times they’ve read this book since he got it six weeks ago.

“Yes, he does.” She continued reading, putting on a deeper voice which she hoped sounded like a cow would if it could talk. “ _I’ll get some glue! Then I’ll moo my best moo and slather the glue all over the S and on the E too. I’ll press my moo and those letters together and my moose will be back, better than ever!”_

 _“Wait_!” yelled Noah and was quickly shushed by his mom, who glanced towards his door. “Sorry momma, I forgot.”

“That’s okay, sweet boy. Cow does say ‘ _wait’_. Can you remember what else he says?”

_“Uh-oh! I’m out of glue.”_

She smiled at him. “ _I’ll just spell it, that’s what I’ll do. G-L-U-E Four little letters. How hard can it be? Let’s see, first a…_ ” She pointed to the letter on the page.

“ _G._ ”

“Yes, a–”

The sound of knocking on the apartment door cut her off. She frowned, looking at Noah over the top of her glasses. “Did you invite someone over?”

Noah giggled at the game they played every time there was an unexpected knock at the door. “No. You did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Maybe Lucy forgot something,” the boy suggested.

“Maybe.” The nanny hadn’t been gone that long, so it wasn’t out of the realms of possibility. She handed Noah the book and stood, wrapping her thick, grey cardigan around her. “I’ll be right back, sweet boy.”

The living room, bathed in dim light, was quiet as she padded barefoot through it to the door. Pushing herself up slightly on her toes, she peered through the peephole, her eyes widening as she found herself faced with a man she hadn’t seen for almost ten months.

Rafael Barba.

He’d all but disappeared after he left her standing outside the courthouse on that cold, February day. She’d tried to get hold of him several times but without success. Calls to his cell had, at first, gone to voicemail before eventually being replaced by an automated recording telling her the number had been disconnected. Emails had bounced back. His social media profiles had been scrubbed clean. Dworkin, Rita, even his mother, all swore they had no idea where he was. He’d cut off all contact with his former life.

Olivia couldn’t blame him. Oh, she had at first. When she was hurt and angry, she had cursed the day he ever walked into her life, but over time as the shock and grief of losing him lessened, she realised he’d gone into self-preservation mode. The press witch hunt ran on for weeks after his acquittal and she could only imagine how much worse it would have been if he’d remained in New York, where journalists and reporters knew his address and phone numbers as well as those of his family and friends. She herself had been subject to several cold callers, each of whom had persisted in trying to contact her until she had snapped and threatened them with arrest if they continued to harass her.

She understood his need to leave and, while it wasn’t ideal for her, she had accepted it. She had certainly not expected him to turn up on her doorstep out of the blue in the weeks running up to Christmas. Yet here he was.

Taking a moment to school her features, she flipped the latch and pulled open the door. She stood staring at him for a moment, taking him in. He stood shifting from foot to foot, rubbing his gloved hands together – it seemed the jeans, black puffer jacket and red scarf had not sufficiently shielded him against the chill of a New York winter evening. Other than looking like he’d walked several blocks in the cold, he looked good. His hair was slightly more salt and pepper than when he had left, but he looked younger; there was less stress in his face. Clearly, his self-imposed exile had been good for him.

“Hi, Liv.” He bit his lip, clearly unsure of the response he would receive from her.

“Hi.” She let out a shuddering breath. “Wow. You’re here.”

“I…” He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before continuing. “Look I know I’ve turned up out of the blue and I should probably have called first, but can we talk? I n–”

His plea was cut off by the sound of soft cries echoing through the apartment.

* * *

Ignoring Rafael’s wide eyes and furrowed brow, Olivia glanced back into the apartment, hoping the cries would die down. When they didn’t – and were joined by a shout of “Momma,” from Noah – Olivia sighed, turning on her heel and retreating back into the apartment.

“I know, sweet boy,” she called back. “I’m on it.”

Rafael blinked several times as he stood on the threshold, watching Olivia walk away from him. She turned into the living area and a few seconds later the melodic sounds of a lullaby filled the air. Olivia then entered his field of vision once more as she headed to the back of the apartment, to her son’s room.

Taking the still-open door as an invitation, Rafael stepped into the apartment, noting the soft cries were diminishing a little, and closed the door behind him. He stood just inside the door and removed his coat and untied his scarf before venturing further in to drape them over the back of a chair. As he did, he stopped - the hand holding his coat hovering in mid-air. Along the wall opposite was a crib – Noah’s old crib if he wasn’t mistaken – and next to it, a changing table.

The cries had been clearly identifiable as those of a baby, but he’d firstly – and wrongly – assumed it was the television. When Olivia had abandoned him at the door and he’d heard the lullaby, he’d thought maybe she was babysitting – Fin’s grandson maybe, or the child of a friend – but this was clearly a more permanent arrangement.

He left that thought sink in as he glanced around. The living area had had a fresh coat of paint but – apart from the two new additions – the furniture was the same. Noah had clearly learnt how to use his toy box and shelves, for the things that he kept in the living room were neatly stacked and packed away. Olivia’s favourite blanket was thrown over the back of the couch as it always had been, and the newly painted walls were still adorned with photos. But as he looked closer, Rafael realised some of the photos had changed. The one from last Thanksgiving, when they’d all met at Olivia’s in the evening, was still there as were some of the professional ones she’d had taken with Noah, but there were some new additions too. All of which featured a baby. He was drawn to one in particular. It had been taken in this living area; on the very couch he was now stood in front of. Olivia sat next to Noah, who was holding the baby very carefully on his lap, beaming proudly.

The cogs in his brain continued to turn as he tried to make sense of what was becoming strikingly obvious…

Olivia had another child.

* * *

“Is Catey okay?” Noah asked Olivia as she returned to his room. He was sat up in bed, where she’d left him, the book they were reading closed in his lap. He didn’t like to hear his baby sister cry.

“She’s fine.” She looked at her watch. “For a few minutes at least. It’s almost time for her supper.” Olivia was thankful Catey was an easy baby who, if she wasn’t ravenously hungry or needing changing, was easy to comfort with some soft music or a quick cuddle.

“Do all babies eat as much as Catey?” Noah inquired as he placed the book on his nightstand.

Olivia chuckled. “They do. They need to eat a lot so they can grow big and strong.” She glanced at the discarded book. “Do you not want us to finish that?”

He shook his head and flashed her a toothy grin. “I already did.”

She smiled at him proudly. The book had been a gift to him from Catey – along with a t-shirt that read ‘Best Big Brother in the World’ – and Noah had requested the story enough in the last few weeks that he was more than capable of retelling it, even if he couldn’t read all the words. She ruffled his hair as he shuffled down the bed. “My clever boy.”

She stood and pulled the covers up around him and tucked them in. “Tighter,” he requested with a pleading smile, and she obliged, grateful for a few seconds more respite from speaking to Rafael and wondering how long it would be before Noah decided he was too old to be tucked in at night.

Bending down, she grazed her lips over his forehead. “Goodnight, my love. Sweet dreams.”

He curled on his side under the covers. “Night Momma. Love you.”

“I love you too.” 

She crept from his room and closed the door behind her – after several nights of been woken by Catey’s crying, Noah had decided he was old enough to sleep with the door fully closed _if_ he could have a new nightlight for his room. She leaned back against the wood of the doorframe, letting out a relieved sigh that he hadn’t asked who was at the door. If he knew Rafael was here, there would be no getting him to bed, although he would provide a suitable distraction from the conversation that she knew was coming. If Rafael was still here.

Catey’s cries had begun to die down when she’d switched on the musical mobile, but she was working herself up again, so Olivia pushed herself off the door frame to attend to her daughter. She could feel Rafael’s eyes on her as she emerged from the back of the apartment. His gaze never left her as she crossed the room to the crib. Leaning over the rail, she cooed at the baby.

“Ssh, it’s okay.” She scooped Catey into her arms and began bouncing her gently. “It’s okay. Momma’s here.”

As she said those words, she felt Rafael’s stare boring into the back of her head. She didn’t blame him – he wouldn’t have been expecting this and she knew he’d have a million questions. Questions that she couldn’t avoid any longer so, with a deep breath, she turned to face him.

“Sorry about that, I had to tuck Noah in.”

“I thought he’d be asleep.” Rafael had checked the time before knocking. In fact, he’d done two laps of the block just to ensure he didn’t arrive too early. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Noah, he’d just wanted to speak to Olivia first, without interruption.

She shrugged lightly. “He’s older now and his routine has been up and down these last few weeks.”

Rafael’s eyes flickered from Olivia’s face to the bundle in her arms. He hadn’t dared approach the crib, even though he knew he should probably have done something when it became clear the baby was no longer being placated by the music and rotating animals. He felt it better to wait for Olivia – he didn’t know the first thing about babies after all.

Neither spoke at first; the silence was broken only by the sniffles of the baby as she calmed once more.

“Do you want to sit?” Olivia asked when the silence threatened to overwhelm her. “You said you wanted to talk and, well…”

“We’ve got a lot of catching up to do,” he finished as he lowered himself onto the couch. When Olivia didn’t follow suit, he looked up expectantly.

“I’d join you but she’s quite happy up here at the moment,” she explained.

“Right.” He didn’t know the first thing about babies, but if Olivia didn’t want to sit for fear of upsetting her daughter, it was probably the right thing to do. She was the best mother he knew, after all. Which is why, when he truly considered it, he wasn’t altogether surprised to see that she had another child. That little girl was incredibly lucky.

He watched, unable to take his eyes off Olivia, as she continued to bounce the baby, cooing softly to her. Her hair was up in a messy bun and she was dressed in black leggings, an oversized button-up shirt and grey cardigan. She looked casual and comfortable in the soft outfit and, as she gazed at her daughter, radiantly happy.

As his eyes followed her around the room, they were drawn to another photo that he had missed before. Noah at some sort of Hallowe’en party. From the look of it, he had decided to be a zombie baseball player. But what had caught his eye was Olivia stood next to him. A heavily pregnant Olivia.

In that moment, Rafael flashed back to the night before the jury had returned with a verdict in his trial. Olivia had shown up at his apartment with take-out from Forlini’s and a bottle of his favourite scotch. Amanda was watching Noah, she’d told him, so they were free to spend the whole evening together. The fact that it could have been their last evening together went unspoken, even though they both knew it to be true. The drinks had flowed, inhibitions lowered and before either of them knew it, they were horizontal on his couch, making out. To this day, he couldn’t recall how they’d ended up in that position but when he’d asked her if they should move to the bedroom there’d been no hesitation.

Olivia noted his wide eyes and followed his gaze. “That was taken the day before she was born. Noah begged to go to the party, and I couldn’t refuse, despite being the size of a house.” When he didn’t respond, she tilted her head in concern. “Rafa, are you okay?”

"I just… I… assumed you’d adopted her – like with Noah.”

At his words, Olivia realised that Rafael had reached what was probably the most logical conclusion, when actually the truth was rather different. “No,” she clarified with a small shake of her head. “Despite my age, I did indeed get pregnant.”

He nodded slowly. “So...” he swallowed, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. “Forgive me for asking the obvious question, but is she mine?”

All the evidence pointed that way. Here they were, ten months after that night, and she had a baby. Maths had never been his strong suit – his strength lay in logic and words – but even he could do a simple subtraction. He just needed her to confirm it.

Olivia smiled softly as she gave him a simple one-word answer. “Yes.”

Air rushed from his lungs as his suspicions were confirmed. He ran his fingers through his hair before pinching the bridge of his nose. A father. He – the least parental person on the planet – was a father.

Olivia lowered herself gently to the sofa, careful not to jostle Catey who it seemed had drifted off once more and, after a few furtive glances across the space between them, Rafael shuffled a little closer to get a better look at his daughter.

Olivia turned her slightly so he could see her properly. “Rafa, this is your daughter, Catey.”

His hand rose instinctively and hovered by the baby’s head but didn’t touch. “Hi.” His voice took on an almost revertant tone, soft and unbelieving, as he spoke to her for the first time. As he looked at her, a bubble seemed to invade his chest, expanding until it filled his whole body. He’d never known it was possible to feel like this – this mixture of pride and love. There was fear too – an almost overwhelming sense of fear – but it was tempered by love and a desire to protect this tiny person whose existence he’d only just discovered. “Katie?” he tried the name out and gave an approving nod.

“Catey with a ‘C’,” Olivia told him. At his confused look, she spelled it out for him. “C-A-T-E-Y.” Olivia allowed him a moment before she continued. “It’s short for Catalina.”

His eyes snapped to hers. “You named her after my grandmother?”

Olivia nodded. “I know how close the two of you were and I wanted Catey to have a connection to you. Even if she never met you. Her full name is Catalina Benson Barba. Benson’s her middle name; no hyphen.”

His hand shaking, he laid it on Catey’s head, stroking her thick, dark hair. He ran a fingertip down her cheek, amazed at the softness of her skin. He raised his head and looked at Olivia, blinking several times. “You gave her my name?”

“Of course I did,” she replied as if the fact should have been obvious. “It was never my intention to keep her from you, but I had no way of contacting you. You changed your number and email, and no one knew where you were. Or at least if they did, they wouldn’t tell me. I went to your mother, to Dworkin, to Rita.”

“They didn’t know,” he assured her. “My mother didn’t want much to do with me after… everything…”

Olivia nodded. Lucia hadn’t taken her son’s actions well and had refused to come to the trial. When Olivia visited her in April to see if she knew how to get in touch with Rafael, it was clear she still disagreed with her son’s actions, but she seemed to regret not being in contact with him.

“Dworkin never asked about my future plans. Rita did. Several times. But I wouldn’t tell her; scared she’d hunt me down and drag my ass back home. We compromised with a weekly message letting her know I was alright.”

“I didn’t think Rita Calhoun knew how to compromise,” Olivia quipped, trying to fend off the feelings of hurt at the thought that he managed to maintain regular contact with Calhoun, but not her.

“Only on rare occasions,” he smirked. “She never mentioned you’d tried to get in contact, which surprises me – given the circumstances…”

“I didn’t tell her I was pregnant,” Olivia explained. “I didn’t want you to find out like that, from someone else. I mean, I didn’t exactly want you to find out like this either, out of the blue, but...”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I’m the one who disappeared and then turned up without so much as a phone call. If it’s anyone’s fault…”

Olivia smiled at his attempt to make her feel better, but she couldn’t let him blame himself completely. “You didn’t know. If you had, I’m sure things would have been different.”

She couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t have still left – he would still have had to deal with what happened - but she was fairly confident he wouldn’t have cut off all contact.

“I know it’s a lot to take in,” she continued, “but would you like to hold her?”

His eyes widened and he rubbed his palms on his jeans as Olivia held Catey out to him. “I… I think I’d like that but, to be honest, I’m not sure how.” He offered her a shy smile. “I barely managed with Noah and he was bigger and more… robust.”

Olivia smiled as she remembered the panicked look on his face when she’d handed a sixteen-month-old Noah off to him so she could clear room on the couch for them both to sit. “You’ll be fine,” she assured. “Just put your arms like mine.”

He did as instructed and Olivia gently transferred Catey to him. She fussed a little, her arms flailing briefly, before snuffling and settling down, a little snore escaping her from her rosy pink lips.

“Just make sure her head is supported in the crook of your arm,” she reminded him, watching as he shifted, adjusting his well-defined forearms to find a comfortable position.

The small, soft weight settle easily into Rafael’s arms and, as every second that he successfully held his daughter passed, his features softened, and he relaxed into the role. He couldn’t draw his eyes from the tiny bundle in his arms, and a smile spread across his face. “She’s amazing,” he whispered. He lifted the arm that wasn’t cradling her and gently touched her hand, marvelling at her tiny, delicate fingers. Catey’s fist opened at the touch and grasped her father’s finger, holding it fast. “She’s got quite a grip.” 

“Oh yeah, my hair knows all about that,” Olivia told him.

As she watched Rafael whisper soft Spanish phrases to Catey, tears sprung in her eyes. He’d never spoken of having a family, so she hadn’t known how he’d feel about her bringing their child into the world, if he’d want to be a part of that or not. There were still no guarantees – they had a lot to discuss and she didn’t know what their future relationship would look like or how much Rafael would want to be involved – but seeing father and daughter together, she couldn’t stop the hope blooming in her chest.

After a few moments of being cradled by her father, Catey let out a small whimper and turned her head, nuzzling her face into his chest. Rafael’s brow furrowed as he watched her, wondering what she was doing. A few moments later, not finding what she wanted, she screwed up her face and let out a wail of protest. Rafael’s eyes widened at the sudden sound and his body went stiff. “I didn’t… I…” He looked to Olivia for help.

She would have laughed at his reaction if he hadn’t looked so panicked. “Relax Rafa, she’s just hungry.” She plucked Catey from his arms with practised ease and settled back into the couch, unbuttoning her shirt. She discreetly positioned Catey at her breast, closing her eyes at the deep sensation of contentment as the baby began to nurse.

“I… uh…” Rafael averted his eyes, fiddling with a loose thread on the sleeve of his sweater.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Really? What happened to Rafael Barba, feminist icon? It’s nothing you’ve not seen before. Not that you can actually see anything”

His cheeks reddened. “Yeah, well…” His brain understood that there was nothing sexual about the act of breastfeeding, that it was the most natural thing in the world, but he didn’t think he could trust himself with even the smallest hint of Olivia’s bare skin.

“If this is making you uncomfortable, you could always get me a glass of water.”

“Water… right, yes. I can do that.” He slapped his knees and stood, making his way to the kitchen.

She glanced over her shoulder at him. “I think there’s still some scotch in the cupboard if you want one.”

He easily located the glasses, a little relieved to find them in the same place they’d always been. It was a tiny bit of stability on what was turning out to be a surprising and unnerving day. He got Olivia’s water before locating the scotch – again, where it had always been – and pouring himself an extra-large measure. Leaning against the counter, he looked out of the window across the city, taking a moment to try and gather his thoughts. Of all the things he’d imagined coming back to, this had not been on his radar.

He’d never imagined himself as a father. Not having much of one himself to look up to was part of that – he’d never want to make a child feel the way his father had made him feel. But that wasn’t the only factor. He’d dreamed of becoming a judge for as long as he could remember, so he’d thrown himself into his studies and then his career. He’d thought the move to Manhattan Sex Crimes Bureau would be a stepping stone to something greater, a chance to try some higher profile cases and make himself known to those on the bar. What he hadn’t counted on was meeting Olivia Benson.

His dreams hadn’t changed during the time they’d worked together, but his day-to-day priorities had certainly shifted. It soon became less about taking cases he knew he would win, and more about fighting for justice for the survivors. About doing the right thing.

Which, in the end, had been his downfall. It had lost him his job, his reputation, his chance of being a judge as well as his friends and family. Well, most of them. Olivia was one of only a few that stood by him. She fought his corner with McCoy before he was charged, was at his trial every day and was still there when he came out the other side; the two of them having shared one wonderful night of passion.

Standing outside the courthouse on that bitterly cold February morning, he’d wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and tell her that he loved her, that he’d loved her for a long time. But he was broken, a shell of his former self. He felt undeserving of her, of her care and attention, and he felt adrift. He didn’t know what his life held for him anymore and his instinct had been to run but not before trying to convey how important she was to him.

He couldn’t honestly say what he would have done if he’d known she was pregnant. He’d like to think he would have done the right thing and stayed to support her through it, but his moral compass had gone haywire and he hadn’t been thinking straight. He may still have run. His time away had allowed him to deal with what he had done and to recalibrate his moral compass. He had, for want of a better phrase, ‘found himself’ again and had finally felt like he was at a place in his recovery where he could return home and start rebuilding some of the bridges he’d burnt.

There was no doubt about where his first stop would be, although there was some question in his mind about how his return would be received. He’d hoped to be able to apologise to Olivia for leaving, explain why he’d felt he had to and maybe even tell her how he still felt about her. But it wasn’t that easy now. He wasn’t sure things had ever been simple between them, but things were far more complicated than he’d imagined. The discovery that he was a father had thrown him for a loop and until he got his head around that, he was in no position to talk to Olivia about any of the other stuff that was between them.

“I’m suitably covered now,” she called from the couch, “so if you’d like to bring me that water before it all evaporates, you’re safe.” Her voice cut into his thoughts and he wondered just how long he’d been standing there.

“Sorry, I drifted off,” he said, as he returned to the living room. Part of him was relieved to see she’d manoeuvred the blanket from the back of the couch to give her a little more modesty while nursing. Any other time he wouldn’t have minded the view, but it seemed wrong somehow to do so when things were so up in the air between them. “Guess I got lost in my thoughts.” He placed her water down on the table in front of her before sitting, still cradling his own glass.

“You can talk to me y’know? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

He was quiet for a few moments, but Olivia recognised the look on his face. It was one she’d seen him wear in court so many times when he’d pause to collect his thoughts and deliberate what to say next. “I’m not really sure what I’m thinking right now. I just… I have so many questions.”

“Ask away.”

“You sure? You might feel a bit like you’re on the stand.”

“Familiar territory then,” she smiled, remembering the many times she’d testified for him.

“Without prep though.”

“I’m sure I’ll manage.” She reached out a hand to touch his denim-clad thigh. “Ask me anything you want. I’ll do my best to be honest with you.”

He nodded, chewing on his bottom lip. The question now was where to start. When he was cross-examining a defendant he’d always start with the simple questions, to make them feel comfortable and work up to the harder ones. Maybe that technique would work in this situation too. He took a sip of his scotch, before beginning.

“How old is she?”

“She’ll be six weeks tomorrow,” Olivia explained. “She was born October 28 at 3.17 pm after an exhausting ten-hour labour.”

Rafael winced at the thought of Olivia being in pain for that long. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“It couldn’t be helped. Rollins was with me and she was fantastic. Carisi offered to be there too, but I shut him down pretty quickly,” she laughed.

“Do they know? That she’s mine, I mean.” 

“Rollins guessed,” Olivia replied with a shrug, as she lifted Catey and lay her head against her shoulder, rubbing her back to burp her, “and I couldn’t really ask her to keep it from Carisi given their new relationship.”

He raised an eyebrow at that. It seemed Catey’s arrival wasn’t the only thing that had changed while he’d been away.

“Yeah, he finally decided to stop moping around the squad room and do something about his feelings,” she told him with a smile – during their many nights in Forlini’s, the topic of they whether there was something more than friendship between the two detectives had been a frequent one. “Anyway, once they both knew, it didn’t seem to fair, in a way, not to tell Fin.”

He nodded. “I get it; they’re family.” He was glad she’d had the support of her squad, that she hadn’t been alone.

Olivia shifted, repositioning Catey so she could nurse from her other breast. She indicated the glass of water with a slight wave of her hand. “Could you pass me that, please?”

Rafael reached for the glass and handed it off to Olivia who took several gulps before passing it back to him to return to the table.

“I haven’t told Noah yet,” she continued, rearranging the blanket, “that you’re her father. He only asked about her dad once, when I first told him I was having a baby. I suppose, for him, not having a father isn’t really a big deal.”

“How did he feel finding out he was going to be a big brother?”

“He was a little unsure at first, particularly when he found out he’d be getting a sister, not a brother. But by the time she arrived, he was pretty invested. You should see them together, Rafa; he’s so good with her.”

Rafael swirled what was left of the scotch around the glass. “And you? How did you feel? I imagine it was a bit of a surprise.”

Given how shocked he was, he could only imagine how Olivia felt. He knew her. She was not irresponsible. Nor was she manipulative. So, the fact that she hadn’t mentioned contraception during their one night together told him she had been under the impression that she wasn’t able to get pregnant.

Olivia let out a breathy laugh. “That’s probably the understatement of the century. I didn’t think it was even still possible to get pregnant at my age. I made the doctor run the test three times. The first few weeks were a blur of nausea, tiredness, and tests. Given my ‘advanced maternal age’,” she screwed up her face at the term and Rafael couldn’t help but smirk slightly. “Don’t,” she warned, wagging her finger at him. But she was smiling at how comfortable she felt around him and at how easily they had fallen back into their easy banter.

He held up his hands in surrender, but the smirk lingered.

“As I was saying, given my… age… there was a chance of complications…”

At that, his smirk disappeared. “Complications? What kind of complications?”

“Birth defects, risks, health concerns.” She sighed at the memories. “It was an uncertain time.”

He glanced at Catey and raised a hand to Olivia’s shoulder. “But everything was – _is_ – fine?”

“Amazingly, yes. All the tests came back clear. I had a bit of high blood pressure towards the end, but it was manageable and there’s no lasting damage.” She shrugged, her eyes welling up. “We were lucky.”

Rafael nodded, hid thumb rubbing her shoulder where his hand still rested. “Did you…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “Never mind.”

Olivia turned her body towards him, eliciting a small squeak from Catey at being disturbed. “No, go on.”

He dropped his hand. “It doesn’t matter, Liv…”

“You never used to be afraid to tell me what you were thinking.”

“Not professionally, no.” If only she knew how afraid he’d been to admit his feelings for her. “But this is different.”

“Whatever happens after tonight, I don’t want anything hanging over us. Please just ask whatever you were going to ask and let’s get it out of the way.”

“I wondered if… you thought about terminating.”

Olivia sucked in a breath and focused her attention on Catey who, having eaten her fill, had fallen asleep at her breast. She considered the best way to put herself back together. Contrary to what all the nursing bra adverts wanted you to believe, it was difficult to pull the flaps back up and refasten them one-handed. Usually, when she was alone, she would put the baby down, not caring about her state of partial undress, but that wasn’t really an option with Rafael here

“I’m not saying you should have,” Rafael added quickly, taking her silence as annoyance. “I’m just trying to understand what you went through, how you… we… got here.”

“No, it’s a fair question and I will answer it but, could you take her for a minute? I just need to… sort myself out.”

“I… of course.” He held out his arms, hoping he appeared more confident than he felt.

Doing her best to hold the blanket in place so as not to inadvertently flash him, Olivia handed Catey off to Rafael. “She’ll need burping again,” she told him as she turned away to refasten her bra and shirt.

“R-right. Okay. Um.” He glanced around aimlessly before awkwardly lifting Catey to his shoulder as he had seen Olivia do a few minutes earlier. It took a few moments, but with a little perseverance, he managed to arrange his hands – which suddenly seemed overly large – so that one was under her bottom and one on her back. He touched his cheek to the side of her face, inhaling her sweet, baby smell.

Olivia turned to find Rafael successfully burping his daughter, gently patting her back. Tilting her head, she stared at the two of them, the same feeling of adoration bubbling up inside her as when she’d watched him hold Catey for the first time.

“What?” Rafael asked, noticing her scrutiny. “Am I doing it wrong?”

“Not at all.” She flashed him a reassuring smile before reaching over to the changing table. She grabbed a muslin cloth and passed it to him. “For your shoulder. In case she spits up.”

He made a face as he positioned the cloth on his shoulder. “Lovely.”

“The joys of parenthood.” Olivia froze as the words left her mouth, the last thing she wanted to do was pressure him. “I didn’t mean… it’s just a turn of phrase, there are no expectations.” She sighed. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, Liv.”

“You asked had I thought about an abortion. You know I’ve always been pro-choice and I… I had a pregnancy scare in college. I was nineteen and I had my whole life ahead of me. A life I wanted to actually do something with. So, I booked an appointment – and I agonised about it for days - but on the morning I was supposed to go… well, let’s just say the situation resolved itself. I was relieved, but I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty, as if I’d willed it to happen.”

His eyes were sorrowful as he looked at her. “Liv…”

“No, it’s okay,” she assured him. “I realise now that it just wasn’t the right time and if I had been pregnant, I still would have gone through with the termination.”

She stretched her arm along the back of the couch, her fingers brushing his shoulder. “This time was different, there was no question. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, as unlikely as it was, I wanted to have the baby. I’d always wanted a biological child, even after Noah, if I allowed myself to wonder. But, while waiting for the test results, I did consider what I would do if it turned out something was wrong or if there was going to be a risk to the baby. Or me. It wouldn’t have been something I would have wanted to do, but I had to consider what was best for Noah too. If something had happened to me…”

Rafael nodded. It wasn’t just herself that she had to think about. “I get it.”

“Are you…” she searched for the right word, “…upset that I went ahead with the pregnancy?”

“Liv, I…”

“Because you never talked about having kids and I–”

“Liv!” His voice was no more than a loud whisper – for fear of startling Catey – but it was enough. Olivia stopped talking. “You’re right, I never talked about having kids; I never really saw myself as a father. I didn’t exactly have a great role model in mine, and I was too focused on my career.” He lowered Catey from his shoulder and carefully positioned her back in the cradle of his arms. “But am I upset that she’s here? No. How could I be? I mean, look at her.” His eyes met Olivia’s and he flashed her a warm smile. “I can’t pinpoint exactly what I’m feeling right now; it’s something of a mix of awed, stunned and mildly terrified with a dash of uncertainty thrown in.”

“Uncertainty about…?”

“What happens now, I guess. Where I fit. How we move forward.”

Olivia nodded. “We don’t have to decide everything straight away,” she assured him. “Let it all sink in and then we’ll talk.” She took a breath before continuing. The next words were going to be hard to say but she needed to say them. “And just so it’s out there… I’m not looking for anything from you, Rafael. I went into this with my eyes wide open, clear in the knowledge that I may be raising her alone for the next eighteen plus years. There are no expectations or pressure. That said, I’m not going to stop you from seeing her… if that’s what you want. You can be as involved as you want to be. Or not.”

She wanted him involved in Catey’s life – there was no question of that – but only if he wanted to be. She wasn’t going to force his hand and have him end up resenting her, or worse Catey.

“I won’t abandon you. Or her.” There was a steely intensity in his gaze that conveyed the sincerity of his statement.

She tried not to get her hopes up. Not abandoning them wasn’t the same as being an active, involved co-parent. “I know. But like I said, take some time then call me. Do you still have my number?”

“Unless it’s changed?” He leaned back so he could fish his cell out of the pocket of his jeans.

“Look at you, holding her with one arm already. I’m impressed. And you doubted your ability.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet. I’m fairly sure there’s more to this parenting thing than knowing how to hold a baby.” He swiped his phone to unlock it and tapped the screen a few times. On the coffee table, Olivia’s phone sprung to life, lighting up and vibrating across the wood. “That’s my number,” Rafael told her. “Call me if you need anything. No matter how small.”

She looked tired; he supposed looking after a new baby and a boisterous five-year-old would do that to any woman, even one as strong as Olivia. He wanted her to know he was around if she needed help.

She smiled wearily at him, programming the number into her contacts. “I will.”

Rafael passed Catey back to Olivia and stood, retrieving his coat and scarf from the chair he’d lain them on when he arrived. He shrugged the puffer jacket on but held his scarf in his hand. Olivia stood to follow him when she had a thought.

“Oh, hang on.” She approached the bookshelf and – with the practised ease of an experienced parent – managed to balance her daughter and lift the lid of a memento box that sat there, retrieved something from it. She held it out to him. “I thought you might like these.”

He looked down to see two photos. A copy of the one that hung on the wall – of Noah holding Catey, with Olivia by his side – and one of Catey on her own

Olivia tapped the individual one of Catey. “That was taken in the hospital a couple of hours after she was born,” she explained.

Rafael’s thumb stroked over the picture, tracing the shape of his daughter’s head. “Thank you,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

Olivia opened her mouth to tell him it was no problem, but a yawn escaped instead.

He tucked the photos into the inside pocket of his coat. “And that’s my cue to leave.”

“Sorry; it’s been a long day. This one was awake at five.”

“You don’t need to apologise for taking care of our daughter, Liv”

Her breath caught hearing him refer to Catey as theirs for the first time, and her eyes filled with tears which she quickly blinked away. “Okay.” She saw Rafael to the door, rocking and bouncing Catey as she walked.

At the door, Rafael stroked Catalina’s head before leaning down and placing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “I’ll see you soon,” he whispered. Straightening, he placed a hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “Goodnight, Liv. I’ll call you.”

“Goodnight, Rafa.”

As soon as Rafael had left, Catalina started fussing, as if she sensed that her father was no longer there. Olivia lifted her up and kissed her forehead in the same place Rafael had done moments before. “It’s okay, baby girl. Daddy will be back.”

He’d said he would be, and she had no reason to doubt him.

“Come on, little one. Time for bed,” she cooed.

As she turned to head back into the main living space, she saw a mess of dark curls retreat quickly back into his room to avoid being seen.

“Noah?”

* * *

At the sound of his mother calling his name, Noah shuffled from his room. “Sorry, Momma,” he said contritely as she approached. They’d had several conversations about eavesdropping in the past, and he knew it was wrong.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“I woke up and I was thirsty, so I came to ask for a drink but then I saw Uncle Rafa.”

“And decided to listen to our conversation?”

He nodded, looking at the floor.

“Noah,” she chided. “We’ve spoken about this before.”

His shoulders slumped. “I know. I said I was sorry.”

“Which is good, thank you. But when you listen in on private conversation you are not only being nosy, but you may hear things that you don’t understand and get all mixed up.”

“I just wanted to know where Uncle Rafa had been. He’s been gone a long time.”

“Come on, let’s get you a drink and then we’ll talk about it.” Noah followed her to kitchen while she poured him some water. Handing him the glass, she said, “Do you want to snuggle in my bed?”

Noah nodded and carefully carried his glass to his mom’s room and placed it on the nightstand. He clambered up onto her bed while Olivia settled Catey in the bassinet that stood at the end of her bed. She rocked it gently for a few moments to ensure she stayed asleep, before pulling back the covers and joining Noah.

“So, what did you hear me and Uncle Rafa talking about?” Olivia asked, passing him his water. “Two hands, sweet boy,” she reminded. 

Noah held the glass carefully and lifted it to his lips, taking a sip. “He was leaving. He said he’d call you.” He passed the glass back to his mom, which returned it to the nightstand.

Turning back to Noah she asked, “Anything else?”

“He said bye to Catey and kissed her.” Noah went quiet but Olivia could sense there was something else her wanted to say. After a few moments, he spoke again. “I heard you tell Catey that her daddy would be back soon. Is Uncle Rafa Catey’s daddy? Is that why she has his name?”

“How did you know about her name?” She specifically didn’t tell Noah her surname for this reason.

Noah shrugged. “I saw it on her cot at the hospital but didn’t think I was supposed to ask.”

Olivia sighed quietly. She knew Noah would find out eventually, but she’d rather have waited until she and Rafael had decided what kind of role he would play in Catey’s life. But he had asked her a direct question and she wasn’t going to lie to him.

“Oh, Noah. My sweet boy. You can always ask my anything,” she assured him. “And yes, Uncle Rafa is Catey’s Daddy.”

“Oh. But…”

“But what, sweet boy?”

“Why hasn’t he been here to look after her?” His Uncle Rafa had always been around before Catey was born and he didn’t understand why he wasn’t there now.

“Uncle Rafa had to leave before we knew I was going to have Catey,” she explained. “And I didn’t know where he had gone so I couldn’t tell him. So, we can’t blame him, okay? It’s not his fault.” Her son had always had a great relationship with Rafael, and she didn’t want that to change.

“Okay, but why has he left now he does know?”

Olivia took a moment to consider her words. “Do you remember when you first found out I was going to have Catey? You weren’t very sure about the idea of having a baby brother or sister.”

“Yeah. I was worried I’d have to share you and you might forget about me.”

“I was worried and scared too,” she admitted to her son. “I didn’t know if I could be a mommy to two children and wondered if I was a bit too old to have another baby. Having a baby is a big change and it’s normal to feel all those things. And that’s what Uncle Rafa is feeling now.”

“But Uncle Rafa never gets scared and Catey’s not _that_ bad.”

Olivia suppressed a smile at her son’s words. “No, she isn’t. But Uncle Rafa only just found out about her, so everything that you and I felt months ago, he’s feeling now. I’m sure he’ll be okay; he just needs a little bit of time to get used to the idea. Does that make sense?”

“I suppose but…”

“Go on, it’s okay.”

“You said you and Catey’s daddy put her in your tummy, but then you said Uncle Rafa didn’t know about her.”

Noah’s comment – and seemingly fantastic memory – caught her off guard. She had told him that when he’d asked how the baby had gotten into her tummy, not expecting to have to revisit the issue so soon.

“Uncle Rafa and I did make her and put her inside my tummy but sometimes, when people try to have a baby, it doesn’t always happen straight away and Uncle Rafa had to leave before we knew for sure about Catey.”

“Because he did something his boss didn’t like?

“That’s right. So, he had to get a new job.” It was the simplest way she’d been able to explain it at the time and Noah had reluctantly accepted it.

“Will we see him again soon? I miss him.”

She put an arm around Noah and pulled him to her side. “I know, sweet boy. I miss him too. And he told Catey he would see her soon so, I’m sure we will.”

“Yeah ’cos Uncle Rafa doesn’t lie.”

Olivia smiled, pleased that her son’s trust in Rafa hadn’t been damaged by the events of ten months ago.

“Is he home for good now?” Noah asked with a yawn.

“I’m not sure, sweet boy,” she replied honestly. There hadn’t really been much time to talk about where he’d been or why he was back because their brief time together had been dominated by discussion of Catey. “I will ask him when he calls.” She stroked Noah’s curls. “Now, it’s time for you to go to sleep, sweet boy.”

“Can I stay in here with you tonight, momma?”

She knew she should say no – Catey would wake in a couple hours for another feed and no doubt disturb Noah – but this evening had been tough, and she knew snuggles with her boy would help. It would probably help both of them. So, she kissed him on the forehead and acquiesced.

“Okay. Close your eyes.”

He burrowed into her side and let out a sleepy sigh as he drifted off. Olivia lay with him until his breathing evened out before slipping from the bed to change into her pyjamas so she could get some sleep before Catey woke up.

* * *

_ Sunday, December 9, 2018 _

The next morning, Olivia sat on the sofa, listening to the soothing sounds of Catalina’s breathing as she lay in her crib. Noah was out with Lucy and the free time was allowing her mind to wander to the events of the previous evening as she sipped her coffee. She was replaying their conversation, trying to decide if she should have said or done anything differently, when her phone vibrated on the coffee table.

Putting her mug down, she picked up her phone and saw she had a message from Rafael.

_Morning. You okay?_

She typed out a short reply and hit send.

_Morning. Yes thanks.  
Noah is out with Lucy and  
Catey is asleep. _

His response came a few seconds later.

_Aren’t you supposed to sleep when she does?_

Swiftly followed by a second message:

_Shit, did I wake you?_

_No, don’t worry.  
When did you get so  
knowledgeable about  
sleeping babies?_

_Last night.  
The internet is a treasure  
trove of information._

Warmth spread through her at the thought of him ‘hitting the books’ to research parenting. She smiled as a second message arrived.

_Would it be okay if I came over?_

_Of course. What time?_

_Now? I’m kind of outside  
your door. Didn’t want to knock  
and wake anyone._

She stood and made her way to the door, pausing to run her fingers through her hair in front of the hallway mirror. Opening the door, she found Rafael stood on the other side, his head peeking out round the side of a large bouquet of flowers and a small, pink gift bag hanging from his fingers.

“Hi.” She moved aside to let him in.

He stepped over the threshold. “Hi. These,” he held out the flowers, “are for you.”

She reached out for them. “For me?”

He nodded. “It’s what I would have done if I’d have been here when she was born,” he admitted. “Sorry they’re a bit late but… well, the sentiment still applies.”

“Th-thank you. They’re gorgeous.” The bouquet was a mix of gardenias in white and pastel colours, arranged in a simple, crystal vase. Olivia placed them on the breakfast bar and picked up the card. The message on the front read, _‘For the mother of my child’_ and inside, Rafael had written:

_Liv,_

_You are an amazing mother  
and Catey is very lucky to  
have you. _

_Love  
Rafa_

She held the card to her chest and blinked back the tears that threatened at his words. Once she had composed herself, she turned to find Rafael stood by the crib, his arms resting on the side, staring down at Catey as she slept.

She crossed the room to join him, smiling at the sight of her daughter lying there, her arms stretched above her head.

“Does she always sleep like that?”

“Most of the time, yeah. Unless she’s in someone’s arms.”

“She’s…” He let out a breath. “I just can’t get over how amazing she is.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty incredible. I think I spent most of the first couple of days just staring at her, unable to believe how perfect she was.”

“I got this for her.” He passed Olivia the gift bag.

Removing the pink and white tissue paper, she found a small, grey penguin stuffie. She lifted it out to get a proper look. “Oh, it’s so cute… and soft.” 

He smiled. “I thought I’d carry on the tradition of gifting your children animal stuffies.” He nodded to Eddie – who he’d bought for Noah when Olivia had adopted him – sat on the windowsill. “Speaking of… how is the delinquent?”

“Oh, he’s a reformed character now,” Olivia informed him, returning his smile. She stroked the penguin’s head. “Does this fella have a name?”

He shook his head. “Maybe Noah can name him,” he suggested.

“He’ll like that.” She placed the penguin in the corner of the crib and took a breath. “About Noah…”

Rafael tilted his head. “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” she assured. “It’s just… he saw you last night, at the door as we were seeing you out.”

“I see. How… how did he feel about that?” He didn’t know how Noah had taken his sudden departure and was worried the boy may not want anything to do with him now.

“He said he misses you,” she told him. Pausing, she worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “He asked if you were Catey’s dad.”

“And did you tell him?” he asked a little hesitantly, not sure if he could bear to hear that she hadn’t.

She slid her hand across the wood and placed it over his. “Of course I did.”

Rafael let out a relieved breath. “How did he take it?”

“He didn’t really express an opinion. He was more interested in why you hadn’t been here to look after her and if you were going to be around more.”

“Already the protective big brother, huh?”

“I think it came more from a place of curiosity than anger. I told him you hadn’t know about Catey and needed some time to get your head around it.”

“I’ve been up most of the night, trying to do just that.”

She tilted her head and looked at him. His eyes were redder than they’d been the previous night and there were dark circles that she hadn’t noticed before.

“There’s no rush, Rafa.”

“But there is. I’ve missed so much already.”

And that was the crux of it. He had spent the night going back and forth between guilt at not being there for his daughter, sadness at missing so much and worry about the future.

Olivia noticed the wistful look in his eyes and had an idea. “Sit,” she instructed. “I want to show you something,”

She pushed gently off from the side of the crib and crossed the room to the shelves, pulling down the memento box that had contained the photos of Catey she gave him the night before. She placed the box on the coffee table in front of where he now sat on the couch.

“I kept this for you… it’s photos, sonograms, things that I thought you’d want to see. Open it,” she urged, “while I get us both a drink. Coffee? I brewed some not long before you arrived.”

“Um yeah, that’d be great, thanks,” he replied, his eyes fixed on the box.

As Olivia busied herself making their drinks, Rafael reached out and lifted the lid off the box. Lay on top were several photographs of Catey which he lifted out and put to one side for now. Underneath lay two small pieces of card; the one from her hospital bassinet that read _‘Baby Girl Barba’_ and one containing her footprints. There was also her hospital band, _‘Baby Girl Barba. 10.28.2018. Mother: Olivia Benson’._ He held the bracelet in his hand, gazing in wonder at how small it was. Setting it down next to the box, he picked up one of two sonograms and traced the outline of his daughter with his finger. He wished he’d been there in the exam room with Olivia; the two of them listening to her heartbeat together.

He lifted out a brown envelope and opened it to find more photos, but this time of Olivia rather than Catey. They had been taken at various intervals of her pregnancy. He smiled at the sight of her bump getting progressively larger in each photo.

When Olivia returned with their drinks, she groaned at the sight of the envelope in his hands. “Oh God. I don’t know what I was thinking with those. They’re so embarrassing.”

“Why?”

She passed him his cup and sat down next to him. “Well, I was hardly a first-time mother in the flush of youth, was I? But you know Carisi,” she shrugged. “Any chance to take a photo.”

Rafael nodded – that man could be a menace with a camera.

“And I suppose part of me…”

“Part of you…?” he prompted when she didn’t finish the sentence.

“Part of me was thinking about you, that you would want to see.” She shook her head. “Stupid really.”

He dropped the envelope to his lap and, shaking his head, he reached for her hand where it lay on the sofa between them. “No. These are…” he looked back at them, unable to find a word to describe them. “You looked fantastic.”

“You are too kind,” Olivia protested.

“It’s true. I mean, you always looked good, but carrying our child… God.”

“I was huge, Rafa!”

“But still beautiful.” He could feel the warmth spreading over his face as the words left his mouth, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret them.

She ducked her head, averting her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered, pulling her hand from his to tuck her hair behind her ear.

He lifted his coffee to his lips. Taking a sip, he grimaced before swallowing. “You changed your coffee brand,” he remarked.

Olivia’s brow furrowed for a moment. “Oh, yeah, I switched to decaf while pregnant and thought I should carry on while I’m still feeding her. I’m that used to it, I completely forgot. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He placed his cup on the table and turned back to the box, gently placing the objects back into it and replacing the lid. “Thank you for saving these for me.”

“You’re welcome.” She took a sip of her own drink. “So, I never got a chance to ask last night; how have you been?”

He leant forward, his elbows on his knees. “I’ve been…” he sighed, his shoulders slumping a little. “It’s been a tough few months, but I think I’ve finally made peace with what happened. With what I did.”

It was her turn to reach out a hand to him, resting it on his back. “I’m sorry… For bringing you that case.”

“Didn’t we have this conversation?” That had been her opening back in February.

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still sorry. Especially for not noticing how much you were struggling with it. I was a crappy friend.”

He opened his mouth to protest but she held up her hand and continued.

“No. You told me your moral compass was going haywire, but I didn’t see how bad it was. You were always the strong one, Rafa; I guess I thought you’d be fine. You always had been before. But I should have–”

Rafael had heard enough. “No Liv. I should have recused myself; I could feel the whole thing becoming too much for me, but my pride wouldn’t let me. And it lost me the most important person in my life.”

“I’m sure your mom will come around. Does she know you’re back?”

“Not yet. But I didn’t mean her, Liv.”

“I…” She stared at him for a moment, mouth agape, before recovering her composure. She lifted a hand to his cheek. “You haven’t lost me, Rafa.” Her thumb stroked gently over his cheekbone. “I won’t deny that I was angry when you left, but once that had died down, I could understand why you felt the need to leave. Then when I found out I was pregnant… everything I felt for you before you left came rushing back.”

“Liv…” He turned his face into her palm and kissed it softly. Tentatively. Facing her again, he raised his own hand to her face and drew her closer.

Olivia shivered as she felt his breath on her lips. His nose brushed hers as he closed the gap between them. He captured her lips, kissing her lightly. After a moment, he pulled back, his eyes searching hers, trying to gauge her reaction. She smiled and moved her hand to the back of his neck, pulling him in for another kiss as she played with the hair at his nape.

Those first kisses were gentle, lazy, unhurried, but held the promise of more.

Olivia let out a moan as Rafael sucked on her bottom lip and he wanted nothing more than to deepen the kiss, to lower her to the couch and lose himself in her. He would have done just that too if it hadn’t been for the sound of the key in the door and Noah’s excitable voice.

Rafael reluctantly pulled away, resting his forehead against Olivia’s for a moment before she stood and moved to the door to greet her son and his nanny.

“Hi, sweet boy!” She ruffled his curls, before bending down to help him remove his jacket. “Did you have a good time at the park?”

He nodded as he kicked of his shoes. “Jeremy was there. We played ninjas.”

“That sounds like fun.” She handed his coat off too Lucy, who placed it on his hook, and turned back to her son. “We have a visitor,” she told him.

Noah peered around the wall into the living room, his eyes widening as he took in the sight of his uncle smiling at him from the sofa.

“Uncle Rafa!” he shouted, careering through the apartment and launching himself onto the sofa, landing next to Rafael. He immediately crawled into the man’s lap and wrapped his arms around his neck.

“Uh, hey Noah,” he said, returning the embrace after a few moments. The boy’s actions had taken him by surprise a little. They had been close before he left and Olivia had suggested the boy had missed him, but Rafael thought the boy’s affection for him would have waned given his absence.

“Noah,” Olivia chided following him in. “I know you’re excited to see Uncle Rafa, but what have we said about using outdoor voices when we’re inside?”

“Not to,” he mumbled into the crook of Rafael’s neck.

“Look at me, please.”

Noah lifted his head and turned towards his mom.

“Why do we need to use our inside voices?”

He lifted his head. “So we don’t wake Catey.” He glanced at the crib, relieved to see his sister still asleep. “She’s got a penguin,” he observed.

“From Uncle Rafa,” Olivia explained, lifting the stuffed animal out of the crib, and handing it to him.

“He needs a name though,” Rafael told Noah. “I thought you might be able to help Catey think of one, given that she’s only little and you’re her big brother.”

Noah tilted his head and regarded the penguin for a few moments, before announcing, “Pingu!”

Rafael’s brow furrowed. “Pingu?”

“It’s a cartoon,” explained Lucy, who had been watching their interaction with interest. “Hello again, Mr Barba.”

“Hi,” Rafael smiled and then turned his attention back to Noah while Olivia walked Lucy to the door, discussing arrangements for the following day. “So, Pingu?”

Noah nodded, before turning his face into Rafael’s neck. The boy said something, his words muffled. Rafael shifted the boy on his knee so he could talk to him properly.

“What was that _amigo_?”

The boy avoided Rafael’s gaze, so Rafael, sensing his nervousness, spoke gently. “It’s okay, Noah. You can say or ask anything you want.”

“I said, ‘please don’t go away again’,” he mumbled quietly.

Rafael rubbed the boy’s back. “Oh, Noah. I’m so sorry for leaving like I did, but I had to go away. But I’m back now and, if I ever have to go away again, it won’t be for long and we can talk on the phone while I’m gone.

“Promise?”

“I promise, _amigo_.”

“Momma said you’re Catey’s daddy.”

“I am. Is that.. is that okay?”

Noah nodded slowly. “I guess,” he sniffled.

“What’s the matter, _amigo_?”

He fiddled with the cuff of his sweater, before meeting lifting his damp eyes to meet his uncle’s. “Does that mean you love her more than me?”

“What? No!”

“But you’re her dad and you’re just my uncle and, not even a _real_ uncle.”

A school project at the start of the year on the topic of ‘family’ had made Noah more acutely aware of his relationships with the people in his life.

Rafael placed his hands on the little boy’s shoulders. “You’re right, we’re not related by blood, so I’m not your _real_ uncle. But, you know what, family is more than that. It’s the people in your life who you've decided to love no matter what, and... the people who are going to love you back... no matter what. And I will always love you, Noah. You and your sister. Exactly the same.”

“Promise?” Noah asked again.

“I promise.”

Olivia, who had been watching the interaction between the two of them from where she was leaning on the hallway wall, dabbed her eyes before stepping into the living room.

“Hey Noah, why don’t you go and wash your hands and face and you can help me make some lunch?”

“PB&J sandwiches?”

Olivia smiled. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is.” He slid off Rafael’s knee to make his way to the bathroom, but stopped as he rounded the couch. “Uncle Rafa, can I ask one more thing?”

“Sure.”

“Will you do my story tonight? I’ve missed your voices. Momma tries but it’s not the same.”

Rafael chuckled. “You got it, _amigo_.”

* * *

Rafael crept quietly out of Noah’s room, closing it softly behind him. Still feeling guilty about how much the boy had appeared to miss him, Rafael had allowed himself to be talked into two stories, but Noah had been asleep before they’d made it halfway through the second book.

He padded down the hall to the living room and his heart swelled at the sight. The coffee table had been pushed aside and Olivia was lying on the thick, plush rug, Catey beside her on a play mat. The baby was on her back, kicking her legs against the base of the mat, causing lights and music to play, much to her delight. Her mother was on her side beside her, her head propped in her hand and resting on a bent elbow.

"Hey." Rafael spoke quietly as he approached, not wanting to disturb Catey’s play. “He’s out for the count.” 

Olivia nodded. “It’s been a big day for him.”

Noah’s excitement at seeing his Uncle Rafa again had not abated. He’d bounced through the rest of the day and hardly left Rafael’s side. Noah had engaged in Rafael in every activity they used to do together, jigsaws, Lego, Star Wars action figures. He’d helped Rafael make lunch and then, when the four of them ventured outside so Catey could get some fresh air, he’d held tightly to his uncle’s hand. They’d picked up food from a local Italian place on the way back and enjoyed a simple dinner before Noah had dragooned Rafael into helping with his bath and reading his story.

If Olivia had been an overly sensitive soul, she may have felt left out, but nothing was further from the truth. Seeing her son and Rafa together made her smile; it was as if the past few months had never happened.

Rafael headed for the sofa and Olivia shook her head. She reached over Catey and patted the rug on her other side. “Come join us.”

He did as requested, moving onto the floor on Catey’s other side, wincing as his bones and muscles protested. He would regret laying on the floor later, even on the thick rug. He stretched out onto his side and let his head fall into his hand. He smiled at Catey’s cooing and lay a hesitant hand on her belly.

“I know I’ve said this before, but she really is amazing.” He looked up and smiled across at Olivia. “Thank you.”

She looked at him, brow furrowed slightly.

“For having her,” he clarified, “and taking such good care of her.” He dropped his gaze, suddenly finding the fibres of the rug very interesting. “For not giving up on me.”

“Never,” she murmured, reaching across the baby to slide her hand down his arm. She watched him as his attention moved to Catey. He was dangling a toy over her, causing it to rattle. She watched his eyes soften and a smile curve his lips.

“I want to be involved… if you’ll have me.”

Her hand moved back up his arm, to his face, her fingers gentle against the curve of his jaw. “Of course. I told you yesterday, you can be as involved as you want to be.”

“I want to help look after her – although you’ll have to teach me how to change her and bathe her and probably other things too, but…” he trailed off with a shrug.

She smiled. “I can do that. You’ve been a great help today. I know you’ve not had much time with Catey, but Noah has revelled in your attention and it gave me chance to catch up on some chores I’ve been neglecting.”

“I can help with those too,” Rafael suggested. 

“And I’ll make sure you get some time with Catey. Noah would probably appreciate some time with just me. And then when they’re both in bed, we could talk, like we used to.”

“That sounds perfect,” Rafael agreed.

Looking at her, lying on the floor, her hair pulled back and comfortable in her soft sweater and leggings, he marvelled at how beautiful she was. He loved her. He’d know that for a few years; the realisation had come when he found out she was dating Tucker. Before he’d left, he thought they were moving towards the point where he could tell her, but then everything had gone to hell in a handbasket and he’d screwed everything up. But now, he was being given a second chance and he knew, that this was it for him. He would be with Olivia for the rest of his life, or no one at all.

He looked down at Catey again, happily playing between them, cooing as her eyes focused on colours and lights, kicking with more excitement when the motion made the music play. If someone had told him a week ago that he would be in this situation – and happily so – he would have laughed them out of the room, but now, here with Olivia, Catey and Noah, he couldn't imagine being anywhere else.

He reached into his pocket and fingered the ring box that he had removed from his safety deposit box earlier that day. He knew it was too soon for a proposal, but he wanted to offer Olivia something tangible, proof that he wasn’t going to bail on her and the thing that kept popping into his mind was his abuelita’s ring.

“I have something for you,” he began, turning the box over in his hand and finally drawing it out. “It doesn’t have to mean anything other than a promise that I’m going to be here, not just for Catey, but for you and Noah as well.” He opened the lid on the box and turned it towards her, laying it on Catey’s tummy.

Air left her lungs in a rush. “Rafa.” Her eyes were drawn to the ring as the light caught it, causing the diamond to sparkle. “I…”

“Olivia, I’ve loved you for longer than I care to admit, and I should have told you a long time ago. I know I’ve only just come back and we still have a lot to talk about, so it’s probably far too soon to be thinking about _that_ , but I wanted to show you that I’m in this for the long haul.”

Her heart fluttered at his words and she reached for the box with trembling fingers. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth as she lifted it. In doing so, she got a closer look at the ring. It was beautiful. An old mine cut diamond in a fluted 18ct gold setting. Her eyes lifted and she found him watching her intently.

“I…” The words caught in her throat. “I want to say yes…” she said, her voice breathy, “to everything this could mean, but you’re probably right about it being too soon.” In that moment, she hated her cautious, practical personality and wished she could just throw caution to the wind, but there was Noah and Catey to think about. She closed the box and passed it back to him. “Ask me again in a few months, when you think we’re ready.”

Rafael’s hand closed around hers. “Keep it. Put it on when _you_ think we’re ready.” He knew there was no where else he’d rather be, and he would marry her tomorrow if she was willing.

She drew the box back to rest against her chest, even as she leaned in to meet him halfway. “I will,” she promised.

He cupped her chin and brushed his lips gently against hers. He understood her wariness; this wasn’t a decision that affected just the two of them. They were parents and had a responsibility to their kids.

When Catey squealed between them, Rafael looked down with a grin. “Are you feeling a little left out there, _mija_?” He leaned down and kissed her cheek gently. Lifting his head, he found Olivia staring at him, worrying her bottom between her teeth. “What?”

“You know how you said you wanted to help take care of her? Well, how about we start tonight? I know, I’m feeding her, but you could get up and pace the room with her when it’s not food she wants. If you want to, that is?”

“I would love to. If you’re sure?”

She nodded. “Catey and Noah would love you to stay. So would I.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

Olivia shifted to a sitting position; the ring box still clutched tightly in her hand. “Will you be okay with her for a few minutes, if I grab a shower?” At Rafael’s wide eyes, she continued, “She’s not long been fed and changed so she shouldn’t be any trouble. And I’m only in the bathroom if you need me.”

“Okay,” nodded Rafael.

Olivia pecked him on the lips before standing and making her way down the hall to her bedroom. Standing in front of the dresser, she took a moment to open the ring box again. She watched the colours play in the dim light as the diamond shined and sparkled. Gently her finger traced the band. She knew that at some point in the future it would reside on the fourth finger of her left hand. But for now, she placed it on her dresser and left it sitting open. A reminder. A promise. She hadn’t said ‘no’, just ‘ _not yet’_.

* * *

In the end, the ring only sat on her dresser until Valentine’s Day when she slipped it onto wear to dinner. As she was dressing, her eyes caught sight of the ring – the simple, yet beautiful diamond – sitting where it always did in the centre of her dresser. She drew the ring out of the box as she thought back over the last two months, of the life she was building with Rafael and their children. Rafael had embraced the role of father with gusto and his commitment to her and the kids was obvious. The trust that had existed between them before he left had been rebuilt and their relationship was stronger than ever. They were already a family – a ring and a piece of paper wouldn’t change that – but it was something they both wanted and where they both knew they were heading. She held the ring in her palm for a moment, feeling it’s gentle weight, before slipping it on to her finger with a smile.

They hadn’t been sat at the table long when the movement of her hand drew his attention. He reached for it, smiling at the glitter of the diamond and the shine of the band against her skin. “You put it on.”

She smiled at him; eyes gleaming with moisture. “It’s time, don’t you think?”

He held her hand and let his thumb sweep over the ring. “I do.”


End file.
